Tuesday, May 23, 2006

As the drugs start to work the large red flags that had been flapping in the wind become quite apparent.

Red Flag #1: "Gee I wish I could stay at home and undertake craft projects" Red Flag #2: "Sure, Chef has worked all day, standing up in front of a hot stove, then got home and made dinner, bathed children, done homework with them and cleaned up the kitchen, but I just wish he'd help me a bit more. Like, he could have at least hung out the washing." Red Flag #3: "My hair isn't that dirty" Red Flag #4: "I wonder if anyone would notice if I wore the same pants to work two days in a row?" Red Flag #5: "I don't care if it's 1am, I have to get this washing done/ironing done/lounge room cleaned up/eyebrows plucked" Red Flag #6: (after keeping a food diary all day indicating the complete opposite) "Well I fucked it by eating that chocolate this morning so I might as well eat a jumbo packet of chips on the way home. And maybe I'll wash it down with a Fanta." Red Flag #7: "I really want to learn how to sew." Red Flag #8: "I'm really upset I can't knit." Red Flag #9: "I want to make a quilt." Red Flag #10 through #eleventy hundred: Crying all the time. Being angry all.the.time. When not angry, being so quick to anger it was impressive if not highly frightening. Feeling on edge all.the.time. Finding it very very difficult to see anything positive, ever. An impending sense of doom. Realising perhaps not everyone has a constant swirling internal monologue going on and on and on and on. A bit like this really. We're only on Day 4 of the new drug regime, so I'm still feeling the love of lock jaw, the occasional shakes from the tension/anxiety, heightened anxiety and upset guts, but that fog - it's cleared so markedly already I am shocked at how bad I was (and how boring it must have been to you all to listen/read it). I feel a vague sensation to do a blog equivalent of a Cruise lounge jump in the euphoria of feeling so much better in my head, but realise that may only relegate me heightened nutbag status for many of you. But coupled with a bizarre and sad resignation to the fact my brain just doesn't really like working properly on its own is a child like "weeeeeeeee" at just feeling normal.


Blogger Badger said...

I wasn't bored. And some of my best friends are nutbags.

I'm SO glad you're feeling better, though.

5/24/2006 12:13:00 am  
Blogger blackbird said...

I am guessing that these red flags ensued over days and not years?

I am happy to hear that you are doing better -
how brilliant and brave you are to seek the help you needed.

5/24/2006 03:06:00 am  
Anonymous Angie said...

You never bore me. You make me smile all the time. And aren't we all some stage of nuts at any given time?

5/24/2006 03:07:00 am  
Blogger My float said...

I wasn't bored either. Highly mortified that I inadvertently wrote a flippant comment in response to an earlier post, yes. But bored? No.

5/24/2006 07:26:00 am  
Blogger Joke said...

I regret to say I wasn't bored. Still, happy you're doing better!


5/24/2006 08:29:00 am  
Blogger Surfing Free said...

I must love the rantings of lunatics because I was never bored either ;) I'm glad your brain is starting to cooperate. May it all go smoothly from now on.

5/24/2006 09:34:00 am  
Blogger Suse said...

The girl is back on form!

Welcome back my friend. I am so happy for you two glam girls this week.

5/24/2006 10:30:00 am  
Blogger MsCellania said...

I am guessing that those red flags were all the same DAY, right?! Maybe even the same evening/night/early early am?

And signing on with the 'not bored' group. I guess were true voyeurs, at that. Like I said before; we'll take you warts and all, any way we can get you.

I just don't post about my warts. Mine are TRULY boring. Yours are not. Mine are like watching paint dry. Yours are more like nailing jello to a tree.

5/24/2006 10:42:00 am  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

glad you are doing better. isn't it weird when you realize how crazy you have been, and think, "How could I not have noticed that?"

5/24/2006 10:44:00 am  
Blogger Bec of the Ladies Lounge said...

Nailing jello to a tree?


That was just the nudge I needed to finally get remember to pop Vickee into the sidebar!!!

5/24/2006 01:01:00 pm  
Blogger Kim said...

You guys are so lovely!

And Babelbabe - "How could I not have noticed that?" - totally.

Everyone's talking about being brave, which I find weird because bravery isn't something I'd ever sort of associate with my regular segues into nutbagland.

I just reckon that once there are kids involved, and a marriage you kinda love being in, you just do what you need to do to ensure your own head-hell isn't put upon those you love.

5/24/2006 07:51:00 pm  
Blogger MsCellania said...

Oh! Thanks, Bec.
And now I'm suffering commenting block, as well...

Kim, I think everything is Very Very Real which it's happening, and makes sense at the time. I remember being horribly, wildly angry all the time a couple of years' back. I finally understood where the term 'see red' came from. It's a wonder I didn't stroke out - vein popping in my forehead, etc. Very ugly. The thing that made me seek help (I use bioidentical hormone replacement, great stuff!) was the scared faces of my husband and children. They are worth every hell we have to go through to behave as normally as we can.

THAT"S why I applaud you. You are making the effort to be a better, more loving you for your family.

5/25/2006 12:22:00 am  
Blogger MsCellania said...

Ack, 'while it's happening' not which

5/25/2006 02:15:00 am  
Blogger Sarah Louise said...

I wasn't bored either. I haven't been able to connect regularly since yins changed the background, but today my luck changed! Maybe because the people in California are sleeping (they use so much bandwidth!)

I know all about the red flags. I never saw them until YEARS after they had finished flapping--I'm still realizing how crazy I must have looked, acted, etc.

Fight the good fight! Sanity is worth it, but getting to the good place with the drugs takes time.

5/31/2006 05:33:00 pm  

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