Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Worst Wardrobe Malfunction of the Year (and it's only March)

I know. This really belongs in Obgynorama. But I'm breaking my own code. Because this was the most extraordinary workplace moment I've had for a long long long time. It went like this. Creamy, taupe coloured pants. Very bad temper for the past week. Sitting at the desk for an hour or so and the need to arise and get coffee. Arising. A gush. Oh my god, I'm imagining that, right? Another gush. Now I know what waters breaking must feel like. Wrong. Something is wrong. Brain is very slow on catching up with the obvious. Horrified glance down reveals - - oh crap, you know what it reveals and it's in glorious technicolour against the creamy taupe pants. As I watch, it's calf-length. Holy Shit. The ladies is on the far side of the office. The far, far, far side. Through reception, the lift foyer and about 57 miles of hallway. I can make it. Shit, I have to make it. Adrenaline is kicking in: flight response. Now. Run! Figuring I can make it no worse, I run. Next time my washing machine dies I'm just going to dump some laundry powder in the cistern and use the flush as the rinse cycle. Because toilets? In an emergency? Make an excellent washing machine. But my building? Being fully energy efficient? Has no air dryer in the ladies loo. So I stand. In the cubicle. Half dressed. And I flap. Flap. Flap. Flap. Adrenaline Sour kicks in and my hands start shaking. This helps with the flapping. Eventually the pants stop dripping and I figure I have no choice but to wear them wet. I saunter back to my office. Reeeal casual-like. Should I mention that this is the office where I'm just helping out for a few weeks and I don't know anybody terribly well? Yep. Not a sister in sight. I sit on a newspaper so my chair doesn't get all soggy and give me away. Eventually, the pants dry. Other things are contained. I think to myself: "Where's an albino period when you need one?" mtc Bec


Blogger jess said...

Laughing so hard that I had to read it out loud to my roommate. Who says she would've just gone home (after the washing and the flapping).

3/16/2006 05:15:00 am  
Blogger Kim said...


3/16/2006 06:22:00 am  
Blogger mar said...

O.M.G. Can't help it but it is hilarious. Albino period! (Sorry about that :¬) I know you had a hard time!)

3/16/2006 06:38:00 am  
Blogger Woman with kids said...

Oh my. Had that happen in high school - twice. Work on that albino period, I'll sign up for it.

3/16/2006 06:58:00 am  
Blogger My float said...

That is so bad. Geez, the things you and Kim put yourselves through just to make a damn funny blog even funnier!

3/16/2006 08:20:00 am  
Blogger Surfing Free said...

Yikes! That is the worst thing EVER! It's like my worst nightmare come true ... only played out in someone else's life. Sorry! I'm gald you managed to get the evidence washed out and just be glad it wasn't a white skirt. Freak out!

3/16/2006 11:28:00 am  
Blogger Kim said...

This so beats a) my skirt falling down in front of workmen when I was pregnant and walking to work from the bus stop or b) I believe the very next days malfunction of my stockings falling down.

3/16/2006 11:49:00 am  
Blogger SueeeuS said...

I'm sorry, but I'm laughing, even though I can barely imagine how horrific this must have been. You spin the tale so well! Gosh! I can't imagine, being menstrually challenged (a good thing, except when trying to conceive). You are amazing, to weather distress of these proportions with such a funny tale.

3/17/2006 03:05:00 pm  
Blogger Lazy cow said...

Oh boy. *That* is a lot worse than a pantyliner stuck to the top of one's head.
Sounds like you held it together though. Well done!
And the leaky boobs thing? I had to wear breast pads for NINE months after having both children. Gushed like a fountain...

3/17/2006 11:08:00 pm  
Blogger genevieve said...

Everybody's nightmare. I reckon you were awfully brave to cross that room TWICE.
Came here via The design of this blog is sensational, ladies. And the content is pretty jawdroppingly good too. Takes me back...

4/04/2006 08:26:00 pm  
Blogger --erica said...

oh dear god. I think I would have died.

4/12/2006 03:09:00 am  

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