Saturday started at 5.32 with Jasper waking. He had a feed and went straight back to bed like the sane child that he is. Oscar woke up during his feed. Oscar is nutty for an early morning wake-up. The day begins. Oscar is dressed and fed for his regular Saturday morning chiropractic adventure with Grandmama. This was one of the areas she obsessed about, asked me relentlessly about and basically wore me down until one day I screamed "enough! If you are so concerned about his spine you can take him to Chatswood e.v.e.r.y. w.e.e.k. on a Saturday morning and pay for it." Actually, she offered to pay. They leave every.single. Saturday at 7.30am. Gotta get there early. Before the rush. Seriously, it's like senior citizen central this mentality. Felix gets up. 7.30ish Jasper is back awake and so I get him dressed and nappy changed. Soccer is on at 8.30 this weekend. We get him into soccer gear. In some infinite moment of organisation I - who am on fruit duty this week (not last week, like I thought, when I turned up with fruit - NO ORANGES! too acidic, makes kids sick*) - have already cut up the fruit. But I need to express as well as Jasper's early morning feed isn't being followed anymore with another good morning feed and my bazoombas were presenting a very real threat of exploding on the side of a soccer field if my friend Avent Isis hadn't been called upon. We go to soccer. NO FUCKING PARKING even though we're on time (ON TIME!) and the first game of the morning. Good match, we start losing so Felix gets interested then and actually runs around a little. He wants to be goalie because they get to wear the cool shirt and are actually allowed to stand around. Team photos follow-up the game. We get to the car, Felix is having a breakdown of some sort which I'd kind of ignored but also missed because I don't own a stroller and hadn't bothered with the BabyBjorn, so my back and upper arms were spasming from holding Jasper for over an hour. F wants a bacon and egg roll from the family bbq. So do I. We go back and purchase. Why do bacon and egg rolls taste soooo good off one of those catering bbq thingys? We're driving home, my mobile rings. It's on the back seat so I don't bother. It rings again. I know it's Mum. I reach around the back while driving, actually find it and actually answer it. Mum, panicking, "You'vegottogethome,Oscar'sputsomethinguphisnoseandIcan'tgetitout He'sverydistressedI'mtakinghimtothehospital." I tell her I'm almost there and to wait. I get there, they're not out the front. I'm wondering, "what the fuck? he's eight years old. MongoChromo or not he doesn't stick things up his nose." I yell down the side path - mum reappears, it's alright she got it out. I actually- in a Britney voice - say, "you couldn't have rung me back?" Mum breaks down"i was just about to", "I was just getting the phone" and so on and so forth until I snap back 'OK, FINE, SORRY". Oscar appears, I t.e.a.r. shreds off this child. In the vein of "you stupid stupid boy. I worry enough about your health every single day without you doing something as stupid as stick something up your nose. GO TO YOUR ROOM BEFORE I BELT YOU" and so on and so forth. But make sure you imagine it in that voice where you can hear as well as feel the damage you're doing to your vocal chords. We're in the driveway, out the front, about a metre from the footpath. It is very.very.quiet. It's about 9.47. We get inside. I feed Jasper. Felix takes his shoes off even though I ask him not to. Mum's hovering, apologising, not letting up. "I'm not angry at you, I AM UPSET. UPSET that he would do something so stupid" and so on and so forth. It's 10.15, time to go for tennis. I realise Felix has taken his shoes off. I get his shoes back on. I believe this is the third time for the day. We go to tennis. Felix's best friend - Liam's mum is there. We sit there for just on half an hour in a complete misery-loves-company-fest. She works full time too. They're trying to have another baby. It isn't happening. Work is manic. She's feeling depressed, something she's not used to. I think we both actually feel better as we head back to our cars. Liam comes with us. We go home for a little while. It's 11.30. Jasper sleeps for a few minutes. Maybe, I can't remember. 12.30, we're all back in the car. Felix's shoes are put back on again. I'm meeting some friends/workmates at the Flying Fox for lunch. The boys are great. Felix and I have a stand-off in the "Do NOT take your shoes off" realm. He takes his shoes off. Everyone arrives. Jasper is cranky and whingy because he didn't like the sleeping idea earlier. K and I start to feed him as she fills me in on the demise of a 10 year friendship that also means the end of a flatmate and having to find somewhere to live. Yes, a man is involved in the picture. Ugly. We feed Jasper some solids. Other people arrive, Felix comes back - he's cut the bottom of his foot. I find a first aid kit, make up a mini triage station with a tub of water, disinfectant, and bandaids. He is surprised when I make him put his shoes back on. He goes off. We order food. Jasper is cranky and whingy. I pull out my boobs in public for about the tenth time in a desperate bid for him to fall asleep while sucking on the dummy that gives. He almost does. Oscar appears and needs to do a poo. I walk, baby at the breast, through the cafe to the toilet. Because frankly, by now, I really.don't.care. I breast feed while squatting, waiting as Oscar oblutes. It is quite tricky breastfeeding and wiping a kids bottom. But I do it. I get back to the table an there is food. I have the best salt and pepper squid. I try and catch up on the conversation and then my boss - my boss who I love because we work in a very similar way, she doesn't micromanage, she's younger than me but very sympathetic to the whole kids palaver of my life - tells me she's leaving. They're going travelling for 6 months through South America and then on to London to work for a year or so, and then maybe New York, depending on what comes up. I am absolutely thrilled for her and her squeeze. I mean, fuck, how amazing. But I am also gutted. More change. More new people etc. And also - her life vs my life - my choices, where we're at, vs her life and where they are at? I am suddenly very very bummed about my life. Even moreso than what has been laying over me like a blanket for the last month or so. I get quite teary. Am still so. Jasper finally falls asleep. We sit, talking. It's lovely. The boys come and go. They're filthy from playing in the creek. They've dug a deep hole in the sand. They've just been kids. They are happy. I notice that Felix's feet are bare. 4.15 we head home. Felix says, "that was the best day at the park ever." I get boys in the shower. A scrubing brush is required to get the dirt off their legs, feet, arms and hands. All three bigger boys showered and dressed. I get Jasper in the bath. I get him dressed, I get his dinner. Chef gets home. We negotiate dinner. He goes and purchases ingredients. I cook dinner after getting Jasper breastfed and into bed. We eat at about 7.30. Very late for the boys. Oscar falls asleep mid-mouthful. We're watching The Emporor's New Groove. I get him to bed. Clean up kitchen. Felix and I watch The Princess Diaries 2. I c.r.y. during the parade scene with the little girl at the orphanage. I'm glad I did that pregnancy test last week as this would have otherwise just confirmed to me that I was up the duff. Felix goes to bed. It's after 9. I read some blogs. I read the last entry at Cancer,Baby. I feel a despair, a hollowness, a bizarre grief for someone I didn't even know. Ugghh. I get to bed. It's late. Around 11. Sunday. Mother's Day. Jasper is up at 5.15. I feed him. Oscar is up. I go back to bed. Chef gets up. Mother's Day is the busiest day of the year. I doze. I wake to boys w/ a tray of a pancake, tea and pressies. Oscar gives me a hard travel make-up case. It's so cute, knowing he's chosen it. Thinking how funny it is my three/four bits of make-up look in there and how, well, we don't travel. Felix gives me two bead bracelets w/ green and silver beads. I love them. He's all "I really wanted them because I know you love green." His card makes me cry. It's about 7am. We make a pancake for grandma and a cup of tea and take it upstairs. I feed Jasper, do some washing, clean up from pancakes, chat with Grandmama. I go to the shops to get Felix's birthday presents and food for the antipasto platters I'm doing for lunch. It's 11.30ish. I get home, make bread toasts for platters, get stuff together, take bags of goodies out to the car, get kids out to the car and get on our way. I note about half way into our journey that Felix is barefoot. We get there around 12.15. I plate up platters, they are a sensation and truly appreciated. Have lovely time but full-on in terms of where are my three children- who's doing what, etc. Mum arrives. She's found Felix on the front step with a bloodied big toe. He's sliced about the top third. There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth in agony. I get cranky at him and actually say, "you are turning me into a 'I told you so' parent and I don't LIKE IT". I have a bandaid in my pocket from yesterday. I'm such a SuperMum. There's food, My BIL makes me a gin and tonic w/ Bombay Sapphire gin. I concentrate really hard not to scull it. I feed Jasper solids and breast. There's lots of banter, it is lovely. But I am feeling v.v. tired. Jasper finally falls asleep. It's time to go. We go back to the Fox to see my Dad and stepmother. It's 4pm. We're a bit late - my goal had been 3.30, so this was a good effort. Jasper is whingy and cranky. He's had about 45 minutes sleep all day and is again somewhere he can't really crawl around. It's getting cold. I am tired. We get home. Felix is playing with my new bracelets again. I notice him swinging them around a plant as I'm unloading stuff from the car, Jasper and all the rest. He says "I just can't stop playing with these, I love them". Just as I'm saying I do too, that I love them, that I'm going to wear them all the time so I can think of my boys, but be care... one falls apart and beads go everywhere. I'm devestated because I really loved them, they meant something. Felix is devestated and that makes it worse. He sits on the ground, crying, trying to rethread it. This breaks my heart. But I'm angry too. They were mine, they were special and yet again, something in that category of mine, of which there is very little, is broken. I tell him to get inside. He runs inside in tears as I try and find beads in the failing light. He goes to his room and actually falls asleep. Dinner is cheese toasted sandwiches, no one eats. Mum helps me w/ Jasper's bath and dinner. I cry a lot. She gives me a big hug, saying she knew I must be tired because she was after a lovely day at my SIL's. I muddle on. Oscar is bathed and put into pjs. He wants dinner - a cheese toasted sandwich, after he refused the first. He goes to bed. Felix gets up. I get him into the bath. I clean up their room - sort clothes, put summer stuff away, winter stuff comes out, uniforms sorted etc. I send him back to bed at 7.45. He hasn't had any dinner. He cries himself to sleep. I feel rotten. I have a broken bracelet, a bone weariness, a pile of clothes to iron, a week looming again like that long beach walk in soft sand and a melancholy that refuses to shift. Happy Mother's Day everyone. * have you ever heard anything so fucking stupid? I mean, do any of you other poor sods who endured Saturday morning sport for almost two decades recall ever spewing in the second half because you ate oranges at half time, due to their acidity???