Monday, September 12, 2005

No, really, we penguins lurve to chat

Remember how I had some time at home just recently with the vile and vicious virus? Monday Ring ring Me: Hello? Friendly Indian Call Centre Operator: Hello, may I speak to Mrs L*? Me: That's me. FICCO: Hello Mrs L*, I'm calling on behalf of Pacific Telco and I would like to speak to you about - Me: Not interested, thank you! FICCO: - a special offer for - Me: No, really not interested, thank you. FICCO: - householders in your - Me: Bye now. Click Tuesday Ring ring Me: Hello? FICCO: Hello, I'd like to speak to Mrs L* please. Me: That's me. FICCO: Mrs L*, I'm calling on behalf of ComTel Coms and - Me: No thanks. FICCO: - if I could just - Me: Bye. Click Wednesday Ring ring Me: Hello? FICCO: Hello, I'd like to speak to Mrs L* please. Me: Hang on, she's just here. handing over phone... Evil Twin: Hellooooo? FICCO: spiel for Telco, spiel, spiel. ET: I jump on a trampoline. FICCO: relentless spiel, spiel, spiel. ET: On my birfday I have CHOColate CAKE! FICCO: self-doubt creeping into relentless spiel, spiel, spiel. ET: I go to school I play wiff Joss-u-ah I play wiff Cassie I throw a ball Doris reads books FICCO: -? ET: Here you go, Mum! Me: Click. Thursday (no children at home) Ring ring Me: Hello? FICCO: Hello, is that Mrs L*? Me: No, sorry, this is a penguin. FICCO: - ah - oh - um - is this 87654321? Me: No, sorry, you called 12345678. FICCO: And this is not Mrs L*? Me: No, sorry, it's a penguin. FICCO: Oh, I am sorry to have disturbed you - ah - er - Me: Mrs Penguin? FICCO: er - Me: Bye! Click Friday Ring ring Me: (suppressing juvenile glee) Hello? FICCO: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of TelcomCocomCo and (lying) my name is Wayne Simpson (no it's not, it's probably Ranjeev, which is a perfectly good name, but our marketers are testing to see if stupid racist Australians will stop hanging up on us if we pretend to be English) is that Mrs L* please? Me: No, it's a penguin. (And I'm not stupid and I'm not racist I'm just sick of these fucking calls) FICCO Wayne: - oh - ah - I'm sorry, I'm confused. Me: Mrs L* had to go out but she left us penguins here to answer the phone. FICCO Wayne: Oh! I see, ha ha, that's very funny (hating stupid Australians more by the minute). Me: Yes, we penguins lurve to chat. We can talk for hours. Shall we talk about telephones? Or fish? I can do both. FICCO Wayne: Did I call 87654321? Me: Yes, that's the Penguin Line. Tell me, is this call being recorded for training purposes? FICCO Wayne: Oh no (shocked) let me assure you we would never invade your privacy by recording you without your permission. Me: Really? Mrs L* will be very interested to hear that since you have NEVER asked her PERMISSION before putting her on your DATABASE - now GO A-WAY! Click

It is almost worth another dose of the vile and vicious to see if I can get our phone number listed against the name Penguin on an Indian telemarketing database:

Some Day

Ring ring

Me: Hello?

FICCO: May I speak to Mrs Penguin please?

Me: Sorry, look, she was just here a minute ago but then I ate her. I'm a Polar Bear, can I help you?

FICCO: Click.




Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...


I was a telemarketer in college and was actually very good at it. We got paid a dollar or two every time we made a sale- best money in town. Everyone worked there.

I can't tell you how many people did stuff like this- or were just plain mean. It was depressing work, really. No one stayed long except the truly desperate- The single moms trying to put their kids through college, etc, so that was kind of sad.

9/13/2005 10:51:00 pm  
Blogger alice said...

mrs penguin

i am the ceo of the local branch of the association of penguins. please desist and refrain from representing yourself as an honourable penguin. i am sure you would not like it if we passed ourselves off as humans. otherwise i'll have no option but to send penguin demons to your door. but the polar bear bit was funny, ha ha ha.

9/16/2005 02:45:00 pm  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home