No, really, we penguins lurve to chat

Remember how I had some time at home just recently with the vile and vicious virus? Monday Ring ring Me: Hello? Friendly Indian Call Centre Operator: Hello, may I speak to Mrs L*? Me: That's me. FICCO: Hello Mrs L*, I'm calling on behalf of Pacific Telco and I would like to speak to you about - Me: Not interested, thank you! FICCO: - a special offer for - Me: No, really not interested, thank you. FICCO: - householders in your - Me: Bye now. Click Tuesday Ring ring Me: Hello? FICCO: Hello, I'd like to speak to Mrs L* please. Me: That's me. FICCO: Mrs L*, I'm calling on behalf of ComTel Coms and - Me: No thanks. FICCO: - if I could just - Me: Bye. Click Wednesday Ring ring Me: Hello? FICCO: Hello, I'd like to speak to Mrs L* please. Me: Hang on, she's just here. handing over phone... Evil Twin: Hellooooo? FICCO: spiel for Telco, spiel, spiel. ET: I jump on a trampoline. FICCO: relentless spiel, spiel, spiel. ET: On my birfday I have CHOColate CAKE! FICCO: self-doubt creeping into relentless spiel, spiel, spiel. ET: I go to school I play wiff Joss-u-ah I play wiff Cassie I throw a ball Doris reads books FICCO: -? ET: Here you go, Mum! Me: Click. Thursday (no children at home) Ring ring Me: Hello? FICCO: Hello, is that Mrs L*? Me: No, sorry, this is a penguin. FICCO: - ah - oh - um - is this 87654321? Me: No, sorry, you called 12345678. FICCO: And this is not Mrs L*? Me: No, sorry, it's a penguin. FICCO: Oh, I am sorry to have disturbed you - ah - er - Me: Mrs Penguin? FICCO: er - Me: Bye! Click Friday Ring ring Me: (suppressing juvenile glee) Hello? FICCO: Hello, I'm calling on behalf of TelcomCocomCo and (lying) my name is Wayne Simpson (no it's not, it's probably Ranjeev, which is a perfectly good name, but our marketers are testing to see if stupid racist Australians will stop hanging up on us if we pretend to be English) is that Mrs L* please? Me: No, it's a penguin. (And I'm not stupid and I'm not racist I'm just sick of these fucking calls) FICCO Wayne: - oh - ah - I'm sorry, I'm confused. Me: Mrs L* had to go out but she left us penguins here to answer the phone. FICCO Wayne: Oh! I see, ha ha, that's very funny (hating stupid Australians more by the minute). Me: Yes, we penguins lurve to chat. We can talk for hours. Shall we talk about telephones? Or fish? I can do both. FICCO Wayne: Did I call 87654321? Me: Yes, that's the Penguin Line. Tell me, is this call being recorded for training purposes? FICCO Wayne: Oh no (shocked) let me assure you we would never invade your privacy by recording you without your permission. Me: Really? Mrs L* will be very interested to hear that since you have NEVER asked her PERMISSION before putting her on your DATABASE - now GO A-WAY! Click

It is almost worth another dose of the vile and vicious to see if I can get our phone number listed against the name Penguin on an Indian telemarketing database:

Some Day

Ring ring

Me: Hello?

FICCO: May I speak to Mrs Penguin please?

Me: Sorry, look, she was just here a minute ago but then I ate her. I'm a Polar Bear, can I help you?

FICCO: Click.

mtc

Bec