You know
the days when the chronic lack of sleep catch up to you and your skin feels brittle. And not just your real skin, but your emotional skin, your intelligence skin, your everything skin? That was me today.
For starters I was doing boys drop-off so I don't get to work until 10.30 - which is just bad and makes me all anxiety-laden and stress-addled.
Then an agency person is made an acting manager of a new work unit. Dumb.
Then a loud talker loud talks all FRIGGIN morning.
Then someone basically wanted me to do their job for them.
Then there is the new girl at Jasper's daycare who I disliked the instant I saw her. And disliked even more as I saw her drag Jasper to her by the arm rather than moving her own arse to him and lifting him up like ANY SANE PERSON would do. Then even more dislike on how she talked to the other children - revealing NO understanding of child development and a harshness that is just not appropriate. You know when people approach their parenting from a base of resentment, anger and begrudging have-to-ness rather than one that is engaging, positive and founded in love? And hearing her this morning RAISE HER VOICE to a child to site down - when the child had finished morning tea and was standing up because she was finished and wanted to go and play - on just arriving at the Centre. And moving from dislike to plain HATE as it dawned on me that up until her arrival I was really happy with the whole arrangement and not feeling that much guilt about leaving Jasper four days of the week in the care of others because they were so good, and that this STUPID IDJIOT BAD ATTITUDE SKANKY HOE has taken that away from me. And now I'm back in the land of "I'm doing the wrong thing, he should be with me" just because of HER. IDIOT.
Then there is the not getting any exercise since returning to work.
Then there is the "I'm going to bed" and getting there two hours later after pumping, doing washing, hanging washing out, cleaning up kitchen, getting stuff ready for work the next day, getting kids bags ready for school etc. While Chef goes "ok" and goes to bed instantly. And wonders why when I get there, twenty hours after I was last there, I don't wake him for some loving.
Then there is the mornings, when I get up at 5 regardless of being woken or not because that is when I have to get up if the household is to function with minimal stress and everyone is to get out of the house without getting hurt. And Chef gets up half an hour before needing to be at work. Sits, eats breakfast, gets dressed and leaves.
Then there is the meeting tonight of the support service - a celebration. A few thank yous my way, many directed to someone else who couldn't make it and then me feeling quite jarred that much of the "we couldn't have done its" are all being attributed solely to the other. Tell myself to stop being so freakin' vain and egotistical and that it was about bringing about change and not who brought it about. That it was a group effort. Stop it. But am feeling a bit cross that my efforts of the last 6 weeks are seen as second mate.
I know this is all because I'm exhausted and all ability to be rational fled my body days ago.
So I'm just going to radiate in the warm glow of this stunning blog vista now and pump my life away. (Another thing I'm loving - is that the links to all of you guys open in new windows, not in this one. That is awesome.)
And go to bed for - hopefully - about four hours before doing it all again.
posted by KPB at 4/06/2006 12:08:00 am
7 Comments:
Yeah. I'm exactly there right now. I feel like a very frayed bit of string these days.
Here's to getting some sleep. More than your four hours - that's just not right.
When you replied to my email I instantly did the time calc and thought why is she still up? I get caught in the cycle too. I try to make everything work like a greased machine for everyone else and in the end I am left frazzled and frizzy edged. What pisses me off the most and makes me feel like nothing I am doing is important is in the middle of the fray I ask Steve to do something and he says "Can you wait until I have a smoke?" I want to shout. MF'er!! No it can't wait 10 - 15 minutes otherwise I would have asked then!! I stomp off and slam a door without saying anything and people want to know why I am bent out of shape. Last night I left it to him to get his suit out for work today. Simple yes? Hell no. He laid out a micro-checked (blue and black) sport coat, brown trousers and a patterned tie that did not match either the coat or the pants. I should have let him go to work like that but I didn't. (Today was a big meeting and required a full suit, not the usual shirt and tie.) I got out a black suit, red and black paisly tie. Simple yes? Frustration should be middle name most days. Anyway he is out the door in less than 20 min in the morning and I am left with getting everyone and everything else done and out the door plus feed the baby, clear the dishes, start the laundry ... some days I can't wait for everyone to be gone so I can sit down just a minute and get my act together. If it wasn't before 7:30am it would be a prime time for a stiff drink and/or a smoke. But I don't smoke anymore even though I crave them like crazy!
I wrote all of this book to say, "I hear you loud and clear and I am riding in the same boat with you. (Except for daycare. I am blessed in that department.)
That thing where the officials get all the credit and the people who did the work get to wash up later? That's called successful politics isn't it? You KNOW that... but you're still right to be pissed off.
And Kimmy? You have a 10pm curfew tonight and I'll be sending your mother down to your room to check up on you...
(I've been popping mersyndols this week to be sure i get some sleep before doing the ghastly 5am media monitoring duties and am suffering today from staying up to late writing last night and being woken by a SCREEEEAAM from the Gorgeous Boy who had dreamed he wet the bed. I'd stripped half of it before realising it was completely dry.)
(Also, the thing with the daycare, complain to the director - gently of course - about the chick's attitude. You can do it by way of 'just checking on centre policy about when the littlies can leave the table -after finishing their food or when everyone's finished?' because I'm pretty sure she'll be contrary to policy and that's a non-confrontational way to deal with it, rather than the shitty voice thing, which would have really pissed me off, too, plus guiltified my day. If it helps?)
Yep, that new girl needs a good talking to. *No lazy cow* drags my kid by the arm. A word to the director, perhaps? And while you're at it, a word to the Chef to get up a few minutes earlier and feed the older kids, so you can be a little less frantic, might be in order! Then maybe some lovin' might be on the menu! Is that an incentive, or what?!
Oh, some many injustices here.
Officials who gobble up the credit make my blood boil.
Lazy, grumpy, no-clue daycare workers who treat kids like annoyances and not lovely little innocents with no power to object REALLY make me MAD!
And husbands who leave all the dirty work to us then expect loving make me LIVID!
am with you all the way.
sorry they are not appreciating you re: this policy/support service thing. Jerks.
*We* appreciate you.
and tell Chef he'd better, too, or when I come to Australia, sometime before I die, I will NOT patronize his new restaurant. So there!
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