mmmumphnpuffshmuznstuffplasch

is really the best way I can express my current state of mind. Monday, Day One of Developing Distinct and Deep Abandonement Complex

• It started as a pretty normal day for us.
• The night preceding confirming "oh yes - we are alive and ain't life grand" with a few lazy hours spent in Emergency.
• The following morning starting late due to said excitement.
• Getting children ready for school, Oscar, who prior to the hospital was actually using his hand and indeed his thumb now rendering it as good as amputated by its vice-like attachement to his body.
• Racing to get Felix dressed and fed in half and hour to go to school with Grandmama as Chef had an early morning meeting and Oscar had speech.
• Oscar at speech - me filling in forms for Jasper that had been set aside for the night before (no point doing earlier as it was all about his 'schedule', THE schedule!) and writing up the day-before dramas in Oscar's comms book.
• Realising the late night, the two nights of being woken on three seperate occasions, combined with the nervous energy of first-day of daycare were really having an impact as I kept writing Oscar's name and Felix's date of birth on Jasper's forms.
• Dropping Oscar at school after speech, stopping at the Mall on the way to city to go to NIB and Medicare so I had some money.
• Jasper crying/screaming from the Burnt Creek Deviation all the way into the city, including a rest-stop on Spit Hill as the Spit Bridge was open.
• Getting to Centre and almost bursting into tears because - OH MY GOD we actually made it here before midday.
• Time at Centre for Kim - reassuring and deeply upsetting all at the same time.
• Time at Centre for Jasper - cool, look at all these kids. Hey! Look at all these women smiling and singing to me. Wehey! It's pretty loud in here but wow, so much to look at!
• Car home - Jasper slept from me putting him in the carseat, home, transferred to bed and slept for further hour and a half.
• Came home to hear both boys crying as I walked in. Made me cry. A lot.

Day Two - The Day of Offical Aimless Wandering City Streets

• Blow dried hair. Hear screaming and realise it is hair crying out in shock after its three month haitus.
• Leave for Centre.
• Turn around and go home to collect bottles, breast milk and breast pump.
• Nail how to handle the screaming in the car in traffic (aaarrrgggghhhhhh) thing and Jasper settles instantly. Sleeps rest of the way.
• Arrive at the Centre at the time I wanted to get there on Day 1.
• I'm hoping tomorrow we will get there when I wanted to today, so next week when I actually have to go into the office I arrive some time before noon.
• Jasper's head-on-a-stick returned and every cooed over him.
• Put long pants on him as we're in the Arctic now kiddo. Freak as 00 pants are so tight on him. Such a bad mother, putting on pants that are too tight.
• I was out of there about 15 minutes after dropping him and did my best not to tear-up in front of the universe of small snot-nosed varmits.
• Call me to let me know he had a couple of sucks on bottle but not really interested, but went to bed instead and settled straight away. (So he should in his new jaunty $70 sleeping bag I bought him because Centre is The ARCTIC.)
• All I could think - at first - was damn, a wasted 200ml of hard expressed milk.
• Then I thought, if I'd been there he would have had a mini-top-up feed then slept. Note to self: HOW CAN WE MAKE THIS WORK. Then thinking - just calm down.
• Wandering aimlessly in shops and malls, looking at idiot commercial junkies buying Valentines Day gifts. Envy girl getting present from Tiffany's from very hunky man. Buy Chef impromptu non-romantic Valentines Day gift. Realise now have no money to buy lunch.
• Feel vice like grip tighten around my head and heart as I calculate our finances over the next month. Excellent! Can't go back to work as can't afford petrol to get there!
• Centre calls - MY BOY - he is awake.
• I return. Has quickest feed in his life. Seems concerned he might miss something and cranes neck to see who is crying.
• SO MUCH crying.
• SO MUCH snot.
• Hideous unkempt children.
• Except G, who I could eat off a spoon. Heart is breaking for K who collapses in a heap on the floor and cries "Mummeeeee, Daddeeeeee, bye byeeeeee" every single time the half door into their room opens or closes - which is OFTEN. Knowing if her parents knew they would be crying floods of tears into their keyboard and trying to work out how they will afford to live in Sydney on only one wage, the one that currently ONLY covers the mortgage payments. Liking very much that N, who is 'having a bad day' is getting constant cuddles and concern from all staff, who call his Mum to let her know he didn't eat any lunch.
• Think: Well, we'll go now. But NO - Centre staff are all - what are his tired signs, yadda yadda yadda, send me out into the unseasonally cool February day once more.
• I wander. Spill food on myself (I found GOLD! coins in the car). Carry newspaper in weird angle to cover it as have no child to blame or cover stain. NO CHILD!
• Jasper sleeps. And sleeps. And sleeps.
• Return.
• Feed.
• Do not feel good as seem to be too many kids to staff. Why is the cook doubling as a carer, even if she is doing a kick-arse job.
• SO MUCH CRYING.
• Kids seem a bit lost-at-sea - this is what I remember from Felix's daycare, tail end of the day, tired fractious kids just lost.
• Heart H.U.R.T.I.N.G.
• Make mental note to try and start early finish early so Jasper doesn't live this. Laugh at self as know this is virtually impossible.
• Am dying inside.
• Get home. Jasper plays with toy whole way.
• Boys very teary. Very tired. Felix collapses in tears every other minute.
• Am seriously feeling like I can feel myself aging.
• Discover, about 10 minutes before 6, that Chef didn't give boys ANY afternoon tea. So Felix has eaten an apple and fruit bar at recess, gone all day, (one of the teary moments was telling me he went to Chess at lunchtime (my child with the logical analytical brain!) and didn't have time to eat his lunch), gone to gym for an hour after school all on an empty stomach. Am wondering WHY? WHY? WHY? Chef didn't take them something in the car as we both know they HAVE to eat something in the car immediately after school, let alone NOTHING after gym.
• Discover washing I asked to be hung out has been but all on about 6 inside lines on two quarters of the line. WHY???? One load, one big washing line - use.the.space.
• Am back there instantly. Back in that land of knowing my day must start at 5 if the washing is to be hung out so it will dry, the children will get a varied and nutritious lunch, and afternoon tea considered.
• I know Jasper will be fine (even if all the research shows he will have higher levels of stress hormones and higher levels of aggression even YEARS after he leaves the daycare setting).
• I know I am a better parent as a working parent.
• I know we have no choice if we are to actually live in Sydney and maybe, one day, own our own house. So we don't have to live with my mother dropping in and demanding - in the nicest possible way - to know the minutae of our life while also offering GREAT! advertising opportunities for Chef's new restaurant (the school and gym newsletters) (DERRRR) (Don't have energy to tell her one of the partners has been mktg director of national companies and knows a bit about that kind of thing).

But I feel raw, resigned and on an emotional knife-edge. And am so very very tired. And haven't even added in the actualy w.o.r.k.i.n.g. part yet.