Thursday, September 22, 2005

Don't answer the door, the Epilady's knocking

Further to I Know It's Spring Because... and Small Things... comes the surest sign of spring of all: Depilation Duty. Oh dear, ladies. Up goes the thermostat and out go the delightfully camouflaging opaque tights, knee-length boots, jeans and work pants. And then - oh deary deary me - the real terror begins. Here's a typical scene, tell me if it sounds familiar: You're in the change room of a store, and you're thrilled to little bits that you have found time to shop for summer clothes without.the.children. Step inside, hang up those beautifully patterned cotton possibilities, and pause a moment to admire the rampant femininity that awaits your body... You step out of your jeans... You pull on the skirt... It feels great and you turn to the mirror and OHMIGOD WHATARE THOSE? The moment is ruined and you don't even have a child handy to blame. Jutting out beneath your lovely skirt are the most hideously pale, pudgy and hairy legs in the known universe. Beyond here, there must truly be dragons. Sparing a moment only to envy those few
  • earthmothers and/or
  • aged and bald gentlewomen and/or
  • genuinely blonde chicks

who for one reason or another just don't get moments of envy like this, you sadly put the skirt back on the hanger, knowing you cannot make another clothing decision until you have D.E.P.I.L.A.T.E.D.

Now, for some time, my weapon of choice in the war against body hair terror has been the Epilady. The Braun Epilady, to be precise, which operates by spinning a small barrel of pinching tweezer heads around and around at high speed, thus ripping each individual hair out of your legs (I'm keeping this below the knees because the possibility of someone googling us with "Brazilian" "Epilady" "glamorous" makes my eyes water) and leaving you with a smoother and longer lasting finish than any other depilatory option.


The thing is, of course, that it hurts like all fuck and don't ever let anyone try to tell you otherwise. Ebay is full of "almost unused", "unwanted gift" and "should I sell it or give it to the United Nations as a deterrent?" Epilady sales listings. I'm tempted to get distracted by the sort of person who buys a second-hand machine operated leg threshing machine, but we'll leave that to the Brazilian S&M fetishists, shall we?

I'm into my fourth year of the Epilady now, and the best thing I can say about it is that the hair on my legs has definitely got sparser and finer. However, all this means is that I get extra-slack over winter when I can easily cover it up and at this time of year (Southern Hemisphere) I have to face the awful truth that:

six months of sparser, finer hair is still six fucking months of hair growth that.must.come.out before you can go back and snaffle that skirt.

This means the Epilady's knockin' baby, and she's not handing over a gift-with-purchase.

My personal tip to make it bearable is to pour a large glass of wine and invite the Epilady to join you while you sit next to the kids having their bath.

This approach gives you an anaesthetic (like a good epidural, top-ups are advisable), a distraction (what with talking to the kids and dodging splashes so you don't die of electrocution while still hairy), and a reminder that, after all, labour pains are worse... just.

The warm weather trepidation with which I approach the Epilady's knock proves Nietzsche was wrong. That which does not kill us does not, in this case, make us stronger. But it certainly makes us smoother.

(Glamorouse would love to know: do you depilate and what do you do?)




Blogger yellojkt said...

Another reason to be glad I got that Y chromosone. I never followed up my dream of becoming a wold class Olympic swimmer out of fear of having to shave everywhere. My complete lack of athletic ability contributed as well.

9/22/2005 12:47:00 am  
Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

So spring is coming to Australia? Gorn. That was a very stupid question I always had in the back of my mind. Do they call it spring in Australia when we're calling it winter????? I'm not as dumb as I look, really. Oh yeah. You don't know what I look like...
I can't believe you put yourself through Epilady torture. If you don't like shaving, how about Nair? It lasts a long time.

9/22/2005 02:01:00 am  
Blogger Kim said...

Bec. Are you MAD??? You EPILADY? Jesus, if you really need an excuse to drink an entire bottle of wine in one night (as opposed the 3/4 of it and then stop out of guilt and those annoying internal monologues of 'maybe I do have a drinking problem') just revert to the cask where you have no idea just how much has been consumed until the shock that three litres have gone in under a week.

I shaved to my knees on the weekend (at this point in time I can't see above that) and it took over half an hour.

Hello to yello! sorry couldn't resist. My Olympic swimming aspirations were dashed when my swimming coach informed my mother that while I had remarkable lung capacity and good speed, I would never swim competitively because I had big boobs. I was about 15. The coach was a guy. He had been an Olympic swimmer. He was coaching at an all girls school. Next to the groundsman (I have a thing for the dirty man - see: Robbie Williams, Johnny Knoxville, Vince Vaughan) he was major lust object.
Needless to say, I quit swimming training quite soon after that and believe I managed to get out of nearly an entire term of swimming in PE due to "having that, you know, thing...". If anyone had really thought about it they would have called an ambulance to stop the haemorraging...!

9/22/2005 07:43:00 am  
Blogger Yaeli said...

I am totally dreading this time of year myself!
I prefer to pay someone a totally stupid amount of money to wax my legs for me because then you have someone else to hate for comletely torturing you! :o)

Thanks for stopping by my blog! I've blogrolled you. Hope you don't mind!

9/22/2005 03:25:00 pm  
Blogger Yaeli said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9/22/2005 03:25:00 pm  
Blogger purpleelephant said...

Ugh! I had an Epilady once. My eyes are watering at the thought.
Childbirth may hurt more but at least you get the option of drugs and lots of sympathy. Can you imagine? "That's it, you're doing really well, just one more hair, go on!"
I'm not very good with pain I'm afraid so it's just a stubbly old razor for me.
And I thought I'd mention that I'm in the Northern Hemisphere!
Michelle sent me by the way!

9/22/2005 06:32:00 pm  
Blogger Lish said...

Hello and thanks for visitng my blog. I am terrified of the Epilady. Personally, I just shave very other day. It's annoying and not as smooth, but usually pain free. Thankfully, it is now going to begin to get cooler here so I can let my legs hibernate.

9/23/2005 12:57:00 pm  
Blogger gekke mum said...

i am a deplatory whore i tell ya. anything i can do to make it easier. i've tried em all. theriginal epilady which was a coiled spring that vibrated to pull the hairs out (all for only $75) a myriad of waxes and thebraun epilady. i finally bought a wax warmer & wax and vowed not to shave. the hair has gotten finer, but there are some patches i think i need professional help with! i came from buffi's - i'll be back.

9/23/2005 05:39:00 pm  
Anonymous alethea said...

ah, the old epilady.i didn't even give it a dignified end - nope, no ebay listing for satan's little wand - just tossed it straight into the rubbish. yes, the manky rubbish bin in the bathroom where hairs go to die. thought it would feel at home there. all that aside, the prevalence of home hair removal kits just really proves to me that we're sadomasochists. or just plain stupid,really.

9/23/2005 07:50:00 pm  

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