Friday, February 24, 2006

The family/work balance

would be awesome. Awwwwesome if I could just pull myself together and.stop.crying. Is it tiredness at getting back into the work/life sacrifice? Sorry, routine. Is it relief at being out of the house? Is it because of the thinking, "OK, I'm back but I really need a better way of getting here", but that every way I think about is just on a sliding scale of suckful to really suckful? Is this is? Is this how I'm going to feel for now until forever. (And yeah, I know it's not forever but move over, I was wallowing in this vat of mud first.) Is it because I'm stressed at wondering how can I pump a decent amount of milk a decent number of hours after his last feed for the day so he has fresh milk the next day, but if I stay up to wait for that decent number of hours to pass I am.a.mess. Well, an even bigger mess. Things that have made me cry this week: - the kids - traffic - the kids - money - the return of "mummy, you're as beautiful as a swan and a princess" - Felix's standard line to me when I am working. - money - traffic - that point when you get a good run and think "yes" only to turn the slight bend and see four long, non-moving lanes of cars. Cars that are way nicer than yours. - crying - Jasper's, Oscar's, Felix's. - Felix's hip - which he hurt again (third time it's been this bad), could not bear weight on by Wednesday but got the all clear from x-rays and a GP. - Oscar's schooling. Particularly when Chef relyed a messge to me from his teacher telling me to relax, that we'll just take one term at a time and that he is doing great. - When I discovered Oscar must have had an 'accident' at school as I (re)hung the washing on the line and found a pair of school shorts that are not ours. - Jasper's crying - the harried "oh dear Lord all hope is lost" crying, that he's perfected in the car this week. - the kids - money - Olympic medal presentations - absolute tragedies - TV commercials - put anything, ANYTHING! here _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ This afternoon I think I had what would be called an anxiety attack, in that it involved not being able to get a decent sized breath, sweating, crying and mild shaking for oh, about two hours. I've had two big cries since and am pretty resigned to the fact I'm going to call Dr J on Monday with a, "I think I need to come and see you a bit sooner than expected" kinda call. And that just makes me want to cry all over again.


Blogger blackbird said...

I am hoping that Dr. J is a therapist of some sort?
(that doesn't read as kind as I mean it)
You need to talk to someone, and take deep breaths --
perhaps you are experiencing some post partum chemical balance problems?

do I sound like an idiot now?
I sound like an idiot, don't I?
It's okay...I know I sound like a freakin idiot.

you just go cry.
ignore me.

2/25/2006 12:15:00 am  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

cry and eat some chocolate. and have a beer - can you drink? 'cause beer is good for milk production, as is oatmeal.

and sleep - you need to sleep. don't worry about pumping or if you must, set an alarm, pump, go back to bed.

in the interest of FULL disclosure, i am being a bad nursing mom and supplementing with formula because he is eating twice what I am able to pump on a good day! and I am eating my weight in oatmeal and drinking so much water you could probably float the British navy in my bladder. so there you have it.

and i'm with bb - if Dr J is not a therapist, get thee to a therapist, too.

Sending good energy your way...

2/25/2006 01:42:00 am  
Blogger Kim said...

Dr J is the best shrink in the known universe who I've seen since the realisation that becoming a parent did something to my constitution...!

And no Blackbird, you most certainly don't sound like an idiot to me! Although that may not be as reassuring as it should be...

2/25/2006 07:44:00 am  
Blogger Suse said...

Oh Kimmy Kimmy Kimmy (look at moy, look at moy ...) (and the american bloggers won't get that at all will they?)

Hang in there my friend.
Big breaths. Deep breaths.

But, if your life is making you this sad and stressed and shaky, is it time for a shift of some sort? Whether that be mental or physical or both?

Whatever, you are in my thoughts. And happy birthday to the Oh-Boy.

2/25/2006 09:50:00 pm  
Blogger Surfing Free said...

Oh, you poor thing - it just sounds horrible at the moment. I agree with Suse - life shouldn't be that hard, so ease up where you can. It's probably just the stress of the unknown. It always happens to me when lots of things change, although I seem to set my worries aside until I am asleep and then I have the most crazy dreams! Good luck working it all out, you'll get there :)

2/27/2006 09:17:00 am  

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